collections

Fault

Susan — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 20:54:17 +0000

Sometimes:
(a) bad things happen because of your own decisions/ weaknesses/ faults
(b) bad things happen because of others / external circumstances

And usually, no one admits to (a), and they [knowingly, or not], try to make (a) have the appearance of (b).

Case in point: me.

So today, an accident happened. And there is no one else to point a finger to. Sigh, my face scrunches up and my lungs twist to produce an abnormal groan as I’m writing, and thinking, about it.. even now. But, I realize that it’s not the actual accident that irks me, but the fact that I’m to blame, and that my credibility (which was not so great, by the way) has now dug itself deep into the Earth’s core (Okay, maybe that’s a little dramatic, but, that’s kind of how I feel).

And knowing that there was only myself to blame, I subconsciously defaulted to trying to play out self-retribution, by beating myself up and becoming distressed so I could somehow find a way to feel sorry for myself. (train of thought: CRAP. freaking CRAP. CRAP CRAP CRAP. (such a pure mind, I know); I screwed up and I don’t want to face any of it. All the things I have to deal with, I have to add on to my already miserable circumstance of just… having to deal with this [yes, I know my reasoning/ self-justification in circular]; why would anyone/ anything want to make me more miserable than I am?, only a heartless person! or unfair circumstance! [Dumb])

Ugh, ew. Ah, it’s disgusting how self-absorbed I am, and how I naturally bend to selfishness and sin, and not wanting to deal with circumstances that I need to be responsible in facing, and accepting rightful criticisms. God, change that in me.

Sigh. I still want to hide away in my own little zone for a little, though.

But. There are reasons to be thankful. For instance: a great earthly dad. So much grace and wisdom, and a reflection of who God is. Seriously, when I think about the million other ways someone could have responded… hall.e.lu.jah.
And praise the Lorddd for protection, too- that the only things lost were material, and… my dignity. [The former can be replaced, and the latter... I'm actually unsure if it's supposed to be.]
And, all those strangers who stopped (held up traffic, and got honked at) to ask if I was alright.
For understanding coworkers, caring friends.. and
that whether things happen “in my favor” or not, no circumstance, or blunder given up, affects His grace/ my salvation, and therefore nothing that can prevent me from love, peace, faith, and joy.

Okay, so. Self: Love God. Dwell with Him. Let the things (and yourself) that consume you, be dug out, because you love His Spirit, and you want to get rid of the things that are preventing Him from being there more fully. Forsaking your self-centeredness means you own your mistakes.. take responsibility for the things you have to deal with.. and cast aside the things you tend to unnecessarily put on yourself (like over-grievance). Learn. Be careful. Be grateful. Ah, Jesus. God. Let my thoughts, my heart, my course of action, all be You.

Loving Jesus

Susan — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 09:35:19 +0000

I remember in college, I looked at [a couple of] people who loved to love Jesus, to express how much they loved Him, as a bit strange, and with a little bit of disdain, but as I begin to see more of Him, I understand… I understand how it’s impossible to really seal up the greatness of everything He is, when you really know who He is. Ah, Lord. I want to know You more. I know that the more I do, the more I’ll love You. And though everything I’m saying could be written off as complete foolishness right now, for the first time, I don’t really care, because I’ve set my heart upon what really matters.

Something that Blows my Mind

Susan — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 08:39:20 +0000

I have a beautiful inheritance marked by a deposit that is even of more value than anything in this world.

ahh.

What’s Real vs. My Surface

Susan — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 11:26:35 +0000

Lord, would the things that I pray not be a way to increase my own sense of self-importance or sense of wisdom, but be expressions of the things that have been placed on my heart from yielding to Yours. I want to lose sight of myself and be spurred on by the pursuit of wanting to behold more of who You are, because there is nothing greater than even the glimpse that I’ve caught of You now.

God, I don’t want to control my actions with the desire to manipulate how I hope to be seen, but I want the things that I carry out to be a reflection, and a response, of an inner-spirit that has been, and is still being, constantly refined by You. I don’t want acts of kindness motivated by self-preservation or a self-seeking glory. God, pull out and extinguish the roots of vanity and fear in my life; I don’t want to be controlled by any other thing but your love.

More of You, Lord. More of You. I pray that as I cry out for Your Spirit to fall, that I would allow You to dig out and dispose all idols in my heart, so that I can receive to the most of my capacity, and You can lead with all authority. Lord, I have so much unrighteousness in me, and my inclination towards self-preservation is something that I repeatedly fail to turn from, but this desire to start adamantly crawling towards You [in actuality, not just seemingly on the surface (which I've previously desired to be good-enough to settle for)], is a little yeast that I know You’ll be faithful in working out in the completeness of my faith.

God, give me eyes to see death on the things I’ve previously beheld as valuable, and clarity to know that there is only one well that is worth drawing from.

My heart, God. May it be true.

“Burn the Crap”

Susan — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 18:26:19 +0000

My heart is reserved only for you,
My affection, I’ll give, only to You.
My voice, I’ll raise, behind a posture knelt down,
if this is a performance, Lord invade it,
break all of my crowns.

If my joy is found in selfishness,
hopes of the world, deceptiveness,
Pierce my heart, reveal my transgressions,
I repent, Lord, there’s no other spirit,
that I want to behold, that I want to make peace with.

Change my heart, God. Change my yearnings.

Step 1. To Know His Love [is better]
Step 2. To Walk in It. [with Him]

There’s been a threshold of unbelief that had me unable to cross from Step 1, to Step 2, but I’ve finally, little by little, become open to put my words of commitment into the wholeness of my life. Lord, guide this path for me. No compartments.

Situations

Susan — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 04:51:24 +0000

I want to offer more than a grieving heart, things classed as weakness;
I want to rid my hidden-complaints, know that it’s my own selfish spirit,
that creates the weight of grief when I don’t receive, what I hoped to be given.

Twenty-twelve

Susan — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 21:28:12 +0000

In terms of resolutions, there are a few things I want to be a part of, and grow in, but the hope that I seek, above all others, is to become earnest in reserving my worship for the only one who is deserving.

Psalm 111. May it be the truth that I trust in, and the posture I abide by.

To Know and Count the Cost

Susan — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 06:50:50 +0000

I’ve been coming to terms with my tendency to mold the character of God to approve what I feel is agreeable to me, making an idol out of an extension of myself, and calling it by the name of Truth. But the more I serve my self-promoting “God,” the more it becomes apparent that this dilution will not fulfill.

I want to know the weightiness of following Jesus, and the wisdom to perceive that sharing in His presence, and taking part in His grace, is worth laying down all dreams, identities, and securities for. I want to come to a point where I know, not only in ideology, but with assurance in the deepest parts of my soul, that it is the cost of living a life deprived of His Spirit that cannot be afforded.

Lord. Help me see.

There is no string of creatively-crafted words that can capture the dimensions of

Susan — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 06:49:19 +0000

how desperately we need You.

Victimizing

Susan — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 04:51:41 +0000

One thing that has become clear within the last couple months and… week, is that one of my trigger points to frustration is the inability [for whomever] to take responsibility for their faults, and the consequent deflection of blame [on to whomever].

I hate feeling sensitive.. actually, I prefer not feeling [anything deep] at all (which is a coping mechanism that is highly effective, but needs to change), but it claws into my skin like yellow finger nails that have remained unclipped for years. I think the thing that gets to me is that there is no way to respond; silence fosters a sense of rightness [within themselves]… and any disagreeing voice is met with deaf ears.

But as my anger brews, and the temptation to victimize myself grows, if I’m honest with myself, I know I can perceive the fault so well [in others] because it is my own tendency. Although I approach it differently, and keep accusations and criticisms reserved in my heart, my stubbornness and self-righteousness is just as rigid. My lack of communication is actually more damaging, because it gives me the flexibility to perpetuate my own notions within myself… and close off any opportunity to be corrected.

Sigh. I need refining.