I Give up on Titles.

God, this world makes it so easy for me to lose faith,
to  believe that I’m in control,
to misunderstand grace

Action, reaction; cause and effect;
All that I see that has grown,
doesn’t it come from the labor that I’ve sown?

But if it does come from You,
Can I really thank you for blessing?
…it seems to come at the cost of someone else’s lessening…

Unfairness, Interruption, Oppression, Obstruction,
Oh where, oh where is your hand in this, oh God?
what role do you play? what is your function?

When there’s suffering,
It’s because of my sin
When there’s prosperity,
To you credit is given

You make me,
You break me,
I’m supposed to be on this journey of correcting my vision
But it all kind of seems absurd to me now,
Like a load of superstition

“Hold on, keep faith, stand firm, don’t waver
In Me you find life,
not fear or burdensome labor.
I see from above,
And don’t you remember?
I’m the author of love..
Nothing can change that I call You my child,
And even now… even now,
I’m not reviled.
Will you come back?
Will you be found?
If you step out, I promise you,
I won’t let you sink, I won’t let you drown.”

Oh God, I can’t force words I don’t believe
Of your unfailing love, unabounding grace, or that you’re pleased with me
I look back and see how hard I was trying,
but all I was, was a resounding gong, a clanging symbol, gaining close to nothing

God, I look at my reflection, and I know it screams imperfection
But I can’t help but question
Aren’t You responsible for my creation?

Dangit. Freaking. Dangit.
Couldn’t you have just  shaped me to worship you better?
To be less rebellious? To be less defiant?
Why couldn’t I have just been made more trusting and reliant?

Ah. Pendulum swing.
I’m swelled up by my disbelief.
oh God, why does faith in you seem like
nothing but insanity, illogicality, stupidity?
an attempt to compensate inconsistency?

My heart is groaning.
My soul is yearning.
But can I even start to crawl if I’m still falling?

Self,
why is your neck so stiff, your heart so reluctant?
while you pray for an increase of faith, you keep up your defenses
Stop trying to understand through the wisdom of man
Stop with your annoying prideful attitude of “I can, I can!”
You can’t.
You can’t.
You can’t.